i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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