Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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