Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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