my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
