ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
