i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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