If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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