What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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