got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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