All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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