My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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