oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
