i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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