She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
