I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
