Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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