I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
