so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
People in love make me want to vomit
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
