we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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