My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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