I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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