I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
