I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
