you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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