I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
