A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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