I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
