I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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