Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
