How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
of course. lets lasso hookers.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
