I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
