I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
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I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
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Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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