I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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