2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
