He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
