I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.