my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
