Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
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I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
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You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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