I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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