they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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