How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
