When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize