Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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