So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
