Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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