I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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