dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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