Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
