we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
