I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
