I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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