I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
