The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
