If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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