Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
