Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
