and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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